I'm talking about brief previews of one's life just before you escape the womb. Not so much about what's going to happen, but more about the way that I should conduct myself based on many factors ... little snippets that would help me to be a better person as my life progressed. I guess I think about this because of the dreaded shoulda's, coulda's, and woulda's. I've decided there's nothing wrong with those, but it "woulda" been nice to have a little forewarning here and there.
I find myself drifting to short "videos" of times gone by where I wish I'd known what was to come and how I would have done a turnabout had I known. Yes, yes, I know all the different things you're thinking. I've thought them too. But it doesn't change the fact that it's the pits to be climbing into the senior years before you got that thump on the head. And yes, I also realize that there are things we would NOT want to know about. I'm just wishing there had been little nudges in the right direction sometimes. The best advice I ever received: Put yourself in their shoes. Simple. But easy to forget.
Okay, for instance: I had a totally different mindset than my mother. She had a better handle on social etiquette than did I. But I know why. I was just plain more independent, and it stuck. It's probably why I don't have a large circle of friends. I tend to do what I want to when I want to, and I've never been much of a joiner. The closest I ever came to that was Brownies, Girl Scouts, Rainbow, and a camera club. I'm sure mom wished I would come around, but I didn't. So there are times when I wish she was still here so that I could do some things that I didn't. I think this is why I tried to spend as much time as possible with my dad in his last years. I have few regrets there other than that he's gone. With Ben, I was still working and wish to God I'd have quit. Had I known, I would have. It wasn't worth it.
I was too involved in my career, thinking I had to do the best I could. Had I known some things, I would have put money last on the list. I could have spent more time with those I was going to miss sooner than later. But thankfully I wasn't one of those looking at my phone more than I did those I was with. Not having grown up with electronics was a blessing. I pity today's kids. It's a big part of what's wrong with the world.
I would have made life easier for Ben & my parents. And I would have tried to better understand what was happening with them. I was blessed with good health through it all, but I'm sensing some slippage, making me wonder ... who will be there for me, and will they wish they'd had a preview? Spent more time with me? Wish they'd known me better?
No, aging is NOT for sissies. It makes one think about all of this stuff, which makes one worry, which is not something we need to be doing at this time in our lives. But we do. Especially if you're alone.
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