The day dreams. Night dreams. They intermingle, reminding me of all the things that have passed and yet I feel as if they'll come around again. These thoughts/dreams become more frequent as I add birthdays. Odd the details that one stores away thinking them long forgotten ~ textures, scents, colors, locations, voices, things said, people ... It's sometimes unsettling, but always welcome.
At times I sense that I'm going to revisit a situation which was unfinished, or one that I long to continue. Most are family-related. Is it possible that we can sense our impending end and are "seeing" what's to come? Just a question. Or am I just missing the availability of being able to speak with those I no longer can, a result of being alone. Again, just a question. The mind plays tricks. Works its magic.
Reflecting ...
I find myself wondering what most of us wonder ... just what HAVE I accomplished. Well, when I read my old journals, I discover some of those forgotten things. And I think, "Wow! I did that?" Of course that's when I was a younger, braver person, able to get past the hurdles and hang ups. I need to give myself more credit for what I was, and am, capable of. A lesson for all of us. Ben always told me I was too hard on myself, and he was right. But I still am. I think most of us are.
As time plows forward, the thing I'm hardest on myself about is my health. I think I take better care of my cats! And I wonder why I can't hike very far, and why it's more difficult to accomplish things around my house. They say to take 10,000 steps per day, but I'm lucky if I take 4,000. My part-time job requires too much sitting. So do my favorite TV shows, although I don't watch that much. Yes, I kayak, but not enough, and it's only good for the upper body. It's my lower extremities that need help! I'm just at kind of a loss as to what to do after dark. I used to post more on this blog, but I've become more at a loss for words, thinking who would be interested. For a time, the blog was a healthy release for me, and I felt that my journey was maybe helping others through theirs.
Another thing that's not easy, being on the proverbial "fixed income", is the fact that I know I'll likely only be able to live vicariously through others. Not easy for an adventurous personality, but I've learned to accept and live with it, and remember that I did have some pretty awesome adventures. Dreams have given me the gift of remembering ...
Age has given me the gift of knowing my priorities.
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