What it's all about . . .

This is one of those times when thoughts have built up to overflowing, and uncontrollably leak through my fingers onto the keyboard. But you know what they say . . . "There is only one journey. Going inside yourself." When I'm left to my own devices, the mind turns into a whirlpool of thoughts, ideas, doubts, positives, what-if's. The self-talk comes so hot and heavy once in awhile, that I almost interrupt myself! I do argue with myself, up and down and all around. Don't get me wrong . . . my thoughts are not incessant. I'm mostly a serene person. Unlike some, I'm not consumed by my thought processes. Most of the time I enjoy it. It's company.

"Direct your eye right inward, and you'll find

A thousand regions in your mind

Yet undiscovered. Travel them and be

Expert in home-cosmography."

~ Henry David Thoreau

Thanks, Henry. And what a journey it is! I can't exactly call it 'meditation'. It's more like holding court and deliberating. And, on some of it, the jury is still out. Always been a dreamer.

But all of this is what I like most about my life right now. I have never had such an extreme opportunity to untie the 'thought knots'. I've heard it said that, by 50, all the B.S. is gone. Wrong! Probably more like 70. I still find myself re-playing my final 10 days with Ben. Sometimes the playback is more vivid than at other times, but it's still there. This is why I hope against hope that I can gently offer that foresight to those I care for at the V.A. Hospice. 

But what do I argue/debate about mostly? If I'm headed in the right direction on many things . . . where I live, who I love, my spirituality, priorities, if I'm eating right, what to keep and what to purge . . . I see another garage sale in my future. 

As for my thoughts, they're maybe worth that proverbial penny.

Today would have been 30 years of marriage for Ben and me. Trying not to think about it, but things like that are similar to a deer in the headlights. And it's okay to reflect on it a bit, wondering where we might have been in the proverbial scheme of things. Instead, I'll share my first 'real' night at the V.A. Hospice with you.

I previously mentioned that there was only one man at the V.A. on my initial night, but there are 5 now. I cannot get into specifics, so I shall generalize. When I walked in, the 2 nurses were visibly relieved. As I said before, no one ever wants to volunteer at night, but I feel that's when it's needed most. They asked if I would spend my time with one particular veteran. He'd just been admitted that day and was extremely agitated, causing elevated vitals. They'd been in and out of his room most of the evening, and needed to pay more attention to others. Coincidentally, he was in the same room that Ben had been in. 

I entered and gave him my signature grin :) One never knows if they're happy to have you there or not, but he appeared to be more than okay with it. He said he wanted to watch NCIS, which I've never watched, but he didn't know the channel. I went down the hall to a TV room and found a man there who knew which channel it was on. I thanked him and he took my hand and kissed it. Cool! I went back to the room and tuned in NCIS. We sat and watched it most of the night, but during commercials he told me various things about his life, including why he's there. This is where the shut-up-and-just-listen skills come in, and it was not difficult. I LOVE learning about people. I felt honored that he was so open with me. 

Yes, I would give all of my appendages to have Ben and my mom back, but those losses opened up whole new depths and dimensions that I can give to others, and that is a special gift. As I told my 'patient' goodnight, I got my second kiss on the hand. On my way out, the nurses told me my presence had brought his vitals back to normal. I thought they would have come down anyway, but they were adamant.

I can't remember the last time I walked down the hallway of a medical facility with a big smile on my face. I promised him I'd be back Monday night, and so I shall.