The "Nudges"

I've thought about re-naming this blog, but I have no idea what I'd choose. "Grace" is still working it's way through all of the things related to the loss of someone near and dear, be it something inconsequential, or something momentous. If you follow faithfully, you'll note that some posts will be related, and I may accidentally repeat something. Or maybe I do it on purpose! And sometimes, I take a side trip just for a break. But, as I once said, actually watching someone transition to their next life effects indescribable changes to the survivor's way of thinking, many of which you wish would happen much earlier in your life. But sometimes it takes an "event" to switch your gears. 


The plus side to all of this, if there can be one, is what I'm beginning to call the "Nudges". I haven't ever been one to believe that one can speak to the dead, or anything like that. But I believe that, when you shared a life with someone for many years, you begin to pick up some of their traits sooner or later. It might be that you feel compelled to do something you normally wouldn't have, but you know they would have, and it seems the right thing to do. I'm a neatnik to a degree, but without Ben, I feel a stronger pull to keep up maintenance on things whether they need it or not. I can also feel him telling me when I'm capable of fixing something myself, and when I'm not. I was always the one who was more electronics savvy, which isn't saying much, but I know when to back off! I've kept up his habit of sending people a card for one reason or another. He was always telling me to make a card for someone. And so I do. I also value staying in touch with his family, from his children to grandkids, nieces, nephews, and more. And they do the same. Sad to say, but when he was here, I left much of that up to him. I'm just thankful they like me. At least I think they do. ;) Hopefully I've become more likeable because of Ben. He was the ultimate in likeable, and I always admired that. Another nudge is church. At first I was going because I promised him, after the fact, that I would fill his seat there. Eventually the reasoning evolved into truly making a concerted effort to pay attention, find out where I am in the scheme of things, and go for the right reasons. I'm getting there.


I think -- no -- I KNOW he would like many of the things I've accomplished, but some of them would not have happened had it not been because of a nudge or two in the right direction. On some of these changes, he's probably saying, "Now why didn't I think of that?" And there's the rub . . . I would have put some of those changes into effect while he was still here but, and I know many of you have experienced this, we don't for fear of rejection! 'You want to paint the house trim what color?!?!?' Or, 'No way is the insurance company going to pay for new shingles!' Well, yeah, they did. The list goes on. I have learned, partly from those nudges, just how far I can go to accomplish something, otherwise known as a "method to my madness" or, GITTER DONE! 


And here's the serendipity . . . I love my life, my home, my friends and family, but most importantly . . . I like myself. I didn't always. But I've learned that, in the end, I'm where it's at, I'm all I've got, and I'm my best friend. Many people cannot say that, and it's such a freeing feeling. Oh sure, I have my days, but my evil twin is amazed at my bounce-back ability. I'm easily entertained and I know that I'll always be okay during those times I'm alone. One thing that I miss is the touch, or cuddling as my dad says. Yup, he misses it, too. But the nudges just keep on coming, and I welcome each one. It's my way of knowing I have a purpose.