Being the boss of yourself!

Sometimes I feel like a mother-less child. Remember that song? Not sure why but it's making the rounds in my head of late. I wouldn't say I'm direction-less, maybe just drifting, waiting for a shift to take place. Oddly enough, a few days after I had this "shift" thought, here's my horoscope! Not a big believer in things celestial, but this is kind of unsettling:


"To understand the major shift that's taking place, Aquarius, you must look at events from a lofty perspective. A slow-acting liberation is gathering momentum. In the next seven months, you'll be unable to resist the opportunity to rid yourself of some oppressive part of your past. You'll shed your old complexes and emerge renewed. Don't be alarmed if some family relations suffer as a result. The distress is only temporary."

I'm not sure what "family relations" could suffer from such a shift, but I reckon I'll find out! And I don't know of an "oppressive part" in my past, but I'm going to use my stellar sixth sense to hazard a guess. Some will be able to relate, some will not. But come along for the ride . . . I believe that what's happening is directly related to a word I mentioned above: direction-less, which goes back to a somewhat common occurrence in many lives. You have experienced a time when you were a total caregiver for someone who was once able to care for themselves. You were so committed that you took it upon yourself to give them as much quality as possible in their remaining time. And sometimes, many times, you forgot about yourself. It was your "direction" in life, your reason for being, and if you let it, it can be all-consuming. After you've lost that person, you are at somewhat of a loss as to where to go from there. And, it can have an odd appendage . . . you develop a longing for someone who will just love and cherish you now. It's human nature to have that need. Doesn't matter if it's a new partner, or just a circle of friends. I believe that without one or the other, one becomes a little lost soul. "Mother-less child" if you will. But most importantly, remember that no one is as responsible for your well-being as you are! I haven't figured a way out of this lack of a sense of purpose, but I'm working on it. Just knowing that I intuitively recognize it, eases my mind. In visiting with others, I know I'm not alone in this. A book every caregiver should own. (I've said it before!) I know that some lose the desire to deal with it, but my way of coping, as I've mentioned before, is that I was blessed with being okay alone (most of the time). I turn to my kayak, books, hiking, camera, or whatever, but I force myself to do something. Oddly enough, my 25-year career was very public and required that I "get in people's faces" to sell them an intangible product that most of them didn't want in the first place. So #1 on the list was to sell them . . . ME!! But when I retired after I lost Ben, I became that "mere shadow of my former self", no longer being up for seeking and pursuing. But do that you must! Friends and loves don't just come to you. You have to cultivate just like a good farmer does to grow the crops. No one actually *likes* to be alone. It can kill you. I note that the horoscope mentions a 7 month path to this "liberation". Seven months will mark exactly 3 years ago that I lost Ben. Perhaps 3 years is my magic number for being liberated from the overshadowing part of grief. Life does go on . . .