Expectations . . .

can be the killer of relationships. 

Perhaps a bold statement, but oh so true. It all makes sense. I happened upon a book called The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships by Joe Dunn. It's one of those where you find yourself constantly saying things like, "Yes!", or "Exactly!", or "Huh!" quite often.

I could put all of this in my own words, but I'm going to go to the trouble of copying some of the text so that you can't miss my point. Bear with me.

"Once you've identified an expectation and understand that it is unlikely to get you what you want, you're ready to try a much more effective approach. The secret to this approach lies in knowing that beneath every expectation (sometimes far beneath) is a natural, authentic desire to connect with those you love. Coming from this authentic desire is an opportunity to experience true connection in your relationship. 

At first you may question the idea that there's an authentic desire beneath every expectation. But consider that, at their very heart, relationships exist because of our natural longing for human connection. Once we've experienced the feeling of true connection with someone, most of us begin to fear we will lose it. We then develop expectations to try to "hold it all in place." 

You must strip away your expectation and look below the surface to discover the authentic desire underneath. Ask yourself, What am I trying to get from this expectation? What am I really after? Then try to capture your authentic desire in a concise statement. 

If you find yourself insisting, "My authentic desire is for my girlfriend to give me her full attention when I speak" or "What I really want is for my partner not to be attracted to anyone else," you haven't gone deep enough. If your statement seeks to manipulate or control your partner in any way, you are still dealing with expectation. 

It may take considerable investigation to discover your authentic desire . . . An authentic desire never seeks to restrict, inhibit, or restrain another person in any way. . . . and has no "should" quality to it."

Nutshell: What we all want is to feel truly connected, with enough trust that we don't have to manipulate or control.  And I hear some of you saying, "Yes, but shouldn't I be able to expect that he or she will be/will do/won't do/shouldn't/should, etc., this or that?" More hang-ups that get in the way of that much desired "soulmate" relationship. You need to develop more faith and trust in your ability to build a lasting relationship. And I am not saying you need to be a doormat. Be wise enough to know when to let go.

And much of this goes back to another subject I've touched on: Living in the Now. My "friend" is currently NOT in the present. He's in the future, full of expectations, anxiety, mixed in with some anger from the past, all of which is unrelated to me. I need to add here that I am completely amazed and overcome at how easily I recognized that and simply stepped away, dropping any expectations I may have had regarding our friendship. I knew that I had no choice because that playful, fun person I once knew is "not there".  And yet, I know that he knows he still needs a friend, someone who can play "Devil's Advocate" when necessary, try to make him laugh, and never stand in judgement of him. I am happy that he didn't shut that out.

My point is this . . . you cannot imagine how refreshing and freeing it is not to have that burden of "expectations". Think, really THINK, back on the many times expectations have caused you sadness or anger when they weren't realized. I know how difficult it is to let go of them! This goes for any, and all, relationships: marriage, romances, girl friends, guy friends. Let go of your insecurities and you'll let go of expectations. There is one caveat here . . . if someone promises me they will do something, then, in THAT case, I will expect it! Unless, of course, they have a darned good excuse not to follow through. But I think you realize that I've been referring to manipulative and controlling expectations, most of which are beyond mortal capability.

Life is grand! And I just keep on learning . . . and I have learned that when I let go of "expectations", and they come to fruition anyway, they are then called "serendipities"!!