I've said many times that I love Prescott. Always will. But it's just a place. I'm just not sure where "my people" are. I have reached out, stayed in touch, been involved, but slowly they fade. Busy with their own lives. And I do understand that. I've been busy with my own lately.
December will mark five years that I experienced my first major loss. One month later, another major loss. A month and a half ago, the final major loss. That's not to say that impending losses won't be major, they're just not quite as close, or as much a part of my life. But they will hurt nevertheless. My point is that I knew beyond that shadow of a doubt that those first three had a major interest in me, really cared, wanted to hear from me, and I from them. Right now I have no one to go to for any of that.
Think about someone you've lost, the kind of person that, when something happens, you immediately want to tell them. But, woops, they're no longer there. Everyone has that happen. I am not unique. But I am horribly human and I don't expect anyone to care. I'm simply in a place where I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I've never leaned a smidgen bit toward depression or loneliness, but I fully understand how it can happen. Some can be amongst 100 people that they know and still be lonely.
What IS happening with me is that all of it is coming to a head, making me ask myself hard questions . . . Is it worth staying in this house big enough for at least four people? Is it really all that difficult to downsize big time . . . how much of the "stuff" is really important enough for me to provide "it" a home, but not me? Who would actually realize I'd left? Where would I go that it would be any different?
I don't know where the answers lie, but I hope it'll come to me soon.
2 comments:
Kathy, I started reading your blogs after my husband of 52 yrs. died 10/24/11. Didn't make comments but once. This post seems so sad. You have such an adventure-like spirit and spunk that I wished I had. I did remarry in April of this year to a man who had lost his wife after 40 yrs. of marriage (Alzheimers), and he had known my husband since the first grade! I also had known his wife. We are living in my house. Stuff isn't important as Hurricane Ike in Galveston destroyed most of my belongings.
I have kept a circle of friends which are very important -- some from church and some longtime friends. Am in a singing group (Joyful Noise) which ministers to nursing homes. Am getting a knee replacement next month!
You have helped many people I'm sure. Hope you will find a good circle of friends if you don't already have them. Stay happy!
Marlene
Thank you, Marlene. It is a sad post, and I don't often reveal the real inner self, but after losing my dad, things seem SO different. I sense my values shifting, probably in a good way. But, like I said, it wouldn't be any different no matter where I'd go, except I'd get rid of the junk! Even with as public of a career that I had, I'm still a rather private person. Too many major losses I guess. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate it when readers do that! I'll try to get back into the kind of thoughts that this blog was meant to bring out. It wouldn't be genuine, however, if I didn't sometimes tell both sides ....
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