ENOUGH!!

I do NOT want this blog to turn into negatives. But I'm in a place right now that is seriously testing me. I feel as if I've been flipped back to December 2009. To answer a question that has been asked of me . . . no, grieving never ends. It fades, but it never ends. And with each new loss, it ignites again, and you wade your way through it. But, as I mentioned in my last post, all three of my major players are gone. Just gone. And it doesn't get any worse than that.

I never realized how important it was that dad and I "Face-timed" nearly every day, but it was. And I have those times to lean on. But the tough part is that we can no longer do it. When you lose people who had a vested interest in you, truly cared about your life, you really get the picture. Things happen, but there's no longer anyone to tell about them. At least no one who "gets it". 

And I'm one of those who doesn't consider my cats to be animals. They're my housemates, my buddies, my kids. So add to the other pain that one of mine is going through a medically hard time right now and I'm at a total loss as to what more I can do about it than I've already done. "Helpless" is one of the worst feelings one can have. It leads to that other term, "heavy heart". 

My most sincere hope is that I can get through all of this soon, and get back to being a happy, peaceful person. I realize there are many people who have had bigger tragedies, but this is MY tragedy, and  it continues to pile up.  I'm mourning it the only way I know how.

No, I probably wouldn't be good company right now, but God knows I need it. I've been learning there's just no one there to give it. And I don't know how to ask.