Kathy's World!: Can you relate?

"The life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me."

That quote probably strikes a chord with many. I know it does with me. I fight with it every single day. And I don't think it's uncommon.

Circumstances and expectations put us in our "place". There's not a lot I can do about the former right now, but I have learned to eradicate the latter. And that has made it much easier for me to accept my current circumstances.

I'm not talking about wishing I could live on a tropical island, or travel to points unknown. Nothing so extravagant or out of reach. I'm simply referring to that aforementioned "place", wondering where I fit into the lives of others, and how I can better fit into my own.

I shouldn't have to, but I envy those families who are close, not only in their relationships, but also in proximity. I want to be around people who know me, know where I came from, aren't afraid to have meaningful dialog, not just superfluous chit chat, although that's okay too. Quite honestly, there's only one person in my immediate family of 3 who knows and cares how I live, what I do, where I go, and as much of what I think as I'm willing to reveal. The rest are on another level. And some are in another world.

I miss sharing my space with people who want to be in it ... truly 'nuts & bolts' relationships, the kind that motivate me to be a better person. I think these thoughts are coming from the fact that I no longer have the two people responsible for my creation, who anchored me in this world; and my one true love. I know I'm not alone in that feeling.

My "anchors"

My "soulmate"

I can't let negative moments from the past define me. It's difficult to avoid that sometimes, but it's imperative. We're all afraid to say too much, feel too deeply, and let people know what they mean to us. That would make us vulnerable, so we scratch the surface. And God knows I'm guilty of that. I don't know if growing up with two brothers caused me to feel that I had to be a survivor, never easily asking for help, or accepting it. That would make me vulnerable, and it made me be a little (excuse me) shit sometimes.

The two "bros"

"Never settle ...", one of my favorite mantras. But do I follow it? I'm afraid I've "settled" into tolerating where I am right now rather than living the possibilities. I've always thought that, if we really lived up to our full potential, it would scare the devil out of us! I know I'm capable of SO much more, but I don't put enough effort into finding out. I think that comes partly from the generation I grew up in, a time when things were to happen in a certain order: go to school, get a job, get married, have a baby. Women were not to worry about being successful. Sad. But there were other things about that generation that I wouldn't trade for the world. Mainly not having my brain muddled by electronics! That's one reason I'm okay being alone ... I learned how to entertain myself. The other was discipline. I knew my parents cared.

I've said it before, and I will always maintain that I'm blessed with being alright by myself ... because I know it's okay to eat alone, take myself on roadtrips, sleep alone, sing to my cats, and whatever! It's up to me to validate myself. But what really brings the alone-ness home is the dates of losses, holidays and birthdays. One can get through them, but never over them. And we're coming into a major one ...