The holidays, the marker dates & the memories ....

I would be remiss if I didn't reflect on those who have touched my life, those who are now relegated to my memory banks, the kind of banks where no withdrawals are allowed, only deposits. 

On this date five years ago, Ben had 1 1/2 days to live. And yes, the pain and destitution fade. But any defining clarity of “why” will always remain murky even as my own path to that end becomes more clear. 

On December 18, 2009 I watched in veneration as my soulmate was taken from me, and a month later to the day, my mother. Then, in August of this year, my dad. All three of the most important people in my life . . . gone. It's difficult to put into words the swirl of thoughts and emotions that accompany such voids. But those things never go away .... they just settle into a life of their own, pulling me with them on the infamous dates. Unavoidable. 

One can only roll with it, 

letting all of it wash over you like the ebb and flow. 

The trick is not to get caught in the undertow.

Like any normal person, I have seen the evil in that undertow, but I am thankful for having the strength to overcome. I make use of powerfully happy memories, and the knowledge that there are others going through that same ebb & flow. I am not alone.

In the five years since we lost Ben, so much has happened, at which he'd be astounded! He was a news junky and, if he gets the news where he is now, I can just hear his thoughts. But it's not only world or local happenings, it's also the people he knew, his family, and my journey. The same goes for my parents. If they could come back for a day, what would they think? In many ways, I wouldn't wish on them the way parts of this world are headed. But there are so many other things I wish I could share with them. Maybe when we meet again.

I've seen many quotes, but this one fits best:

" A limb has fallen from the family tree.
I keep hearing a voice that says, “Grieve not for me.”
Remember the best times, the laughter, the song.
The good life I lived while I was strong.
Continue my heritage, I’m counting on you.
Keep smiling and surely the sun will shine through.
My mind is at ease, my soul is at rest.
Remembering all, how I truly was blessed.
Continue traditions, no matter how small.
Go on with your life, don’t worry about falls.
I miss you all dearly, so keep up your chin
Until the day comes we’re together again."

And so, onward I go .... love to those of you who are still sharing my journey and I yours.