The evolution of grieving ... or ... how my opinion has changed

I perused some older posts regarding how I felt as time went on after Ben passed away. Of course I missed his presence. Still do. But I note how the first three + years after were steady as a rock. I was fine with my solitude, and in better health. Now I'm growing toward old-ness. Don't like it one bit. And along with that, I'm growing more tired of alone-ness. I'm still okay with periods of it, but it seems to be getting more difficult to have those "things to look forward to".  It's beginning to be more fun to have someone to share my adventures with, but I have the kind of friends who are married, or too busy with their own lives. Maybe I need to get a big dog. My two cats would be wonderful company, but I'm afraid they'd skitter off somewhere never to be found again. And, alas, dogs are too high maintenance and needy. And, for those of you thinking I should find a male companion ... same description as for dogs. Oh I'm sure there's one out there who's looking for the same thing I am ... simple companionship ... but on my terms. Ha! I'm a very spontaneous person, and there aren't many around who can handle that, I'm guessing. 

I've even considered a female housemate just for the company. But I just cannot bring myself to share my space. I like my fridge, range, and washer/dryer in the working order they're used to. And my somewhat low utility bills. Oh, and being able to "streak" through my living room if need be. The only plus I can see to this is being found after a bad health issue sooner than 2 weeks down the road. After all, the cats need to be fed, and I'd be unable to do it. And they haven't learned to use the phone yet.

Curse the age thing. Yes, mentally I'm only in my 30's, but one can't stop the infernal physical crap. Getting up 1 -3 times a night to pee is just plain mean. Having a joint hurt one day and not the next, is a puzzle. But, believe me, I will not stop kayaking until someone has to shoe horn me in and out of it. Don't laugh ... I'm serious. As for my photography, I will do that until the DSLR gets too heavy, or macular degeneration renders me blind.

I see many women my age who look younger (makeup), but I'm not much of a makeup person. What you see is what you get, character lines and all. Yes, I clean up pretty good, but there's no sense going to the trouble if I'm keeping my own company. The cats don't care either. On the other side, I see many my age who look much older. It's all in the genes or the way you care for yourself. 

Speaking of which, I've thought many times about gentle yoga, and I have many stretching exercises I could do. Key word: could. I have no one to urge me on but myself, and I'm not much good at that. A good book on the Kindle is much more intriguing, although it does nothing for the gluteus maximus, or the thighs. I guess I could read while using my un-used exercise bike. All it's done is lend a neuvo look to my sunroom. Who else agrees that exercise bikes are boring? I actually have a real bicycle ... a nice one! But then we come to one of those other old-ness problems ... the fear of crashing and breaking something. With osteoporosis looming, that's reality. And I really, really would love to skateboard again.

My saving grace is something my dear dad once told me ... "Your sense of humor will see you through". It did a good job for him, and he was kind enough to pass it on to me, along with a positive attitude even in the worst of times.