Time is having a way of making me think the very things I have tried hard to avoid over the 6 1/2 years that Ben has been gone. The main cause is the ticking clock ... there's a huge difference between 61 and 68. Doesn't seem like there should be, but there is. No, you won't be able to talk me out of it because your world is probably different than mine. IS different than mine.
What bothers me is how much more I've moved inside myself, learning that sometimes I'm the only company I have. Thankfully, I like myself alright. I trust me, I'm always there for me, so I know I'll be okay. I just don't like where I am right now.
I like where I live, but not what's happening. Or rather, what's NOT happening. I'm not in a place where I'm surrounded by people who are willing to help me when I need it. I've said that I'm not good about asking. And I know that I've said I don't know where I could go that it's any different. But I'm mulling these things over now. I know I can't go on the way I am. I'm too much of a dreamer. Dreaming is not doing.
People are great about saying, "Well, you have to reach out." What happens when you've done that with little response, or maybe a little spurt of responses for awhile, then nothing.
I've taken better stock of the "things" that are holding me down, and it's overwhelming to say the least. I think about everything that would have to change if I did let go of it to move somewhere else ... changing doctors, vets, moving expenses I can well not afford, the value of my house being less than it should be because others on my street are selling 'as is', which affects the listing price of my home. And then there are the 'must keep' items that have deep meaning, but which I really don't need. The list goes on and on. I'm surprised I still sleep well at night!
Another trigger is knowing how much I'm missing out on being so far from any family. I don't know nieces & nephews very well, or at all. And I don't have the kind of family that will visit, which is absurd when I live in such a vacation and living destination. In fact, it makes me angry, which is not like me.
So, the conclusion I've come to is that I need to stay where I am, but become unmerciful about getting rid of the clutter ... things I haven't used or looked at in at least a year. I know, I know ... how many times have I said that. This is where I wish I could find someone who really likes to do that, and would help me. I don't think that person exists. So my next solution is to start piling the better stuff in my garage, and the so-so stuff in my truck to take to an organization who can use it. One. Day. At. A. Time.
I'm watching too many people around me realize their dreams, or live the kind of life I should be living. And, no, I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about being at peace while doing what I love. Right now, I don't know what that's like.
I've spilled more here than I wanted to, but I'm tired of denying it. And tired of being "stuck".
1 comment:
All good actions begin with a good intent and you certainly have that!
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