For those of you who have enough money to have pretty much anything you want or need; and you have family nearby, and attentive friends, you'd just as well stop reading because you honestly won't get it. But if it will help you to better appreciate what you have, read on.
After reading an article saying that by 2034 our Social Security will be substantially reduced, the first thing I did was add up how old I'll be. 86. No thanks to our pusillanimous government, I'm going to be in a fix. But hey, at 86 I'll just let that government take care of me. I've been trying very hard not to do that. I may be a bit young to worry about it, but one does. In fact, it scares the hell out of me.
In my previous post I alluded to the fact that one needs things to look forward to. In fact, I've always said that. Up until recently, I was good about it. I don't know what happened, but I do sense a shift going on ... a lack of desire, lethargy, meh. So unlike me, but I just don't care. I ask myself if I'm becoming a curmudgeon. I guess to a degree. Oddly enough, I still have a sense of humor!
I compare my current circumstances to those I experienced in younger days ... I grew up in a comparatively lush area with abundant water and, other than the snowy & freezing winter months, there was never a lack of something to "look forward to". Living on a lake was my ideal. I think I was born in the water. My skin didn't know the dry & scaly condition that it puts up with now. I often dream of running leaps off the end of the dock into cool, refreshing water. Boat rides around the lake. Lying in the sun, which actually wasn't all that smart, but felt oh so good.
Fun in the sun!
Great exercise!
Ben is in that lake ...
Little sibs at the lake - Larry, me, Carl
Big sibs at the lake - Mary, Jane, Carl & me
My runway
No, the pictures don't mean I will move back there. I wish I could move anywhere I desired. I chose to live where I live now, and there are many things I love about it ... the scenery, an active city, good medical choices, shopping, etc. But it lacks interaction unless one aggressively seeks it. No swimming allowed in the "lakes". No lying in the intense sun. And no real history with anyone.
It's difficult to have those "things to look forward to" if you don't have the $. I can't just hop a plane to go see nieces & nephews I hardly know, but would like to. No weekends at a beach are in the offing. And no flying back for my 50th class reunion. Yes, I get by because I've become the frugal person Ben wanted me to be. But I also have a home to maintain. I recently dug into my "nursing home fund" (joke) to have the deck repaired & stained, a job I did myself until I couldn't anymore. At least the roof over my head is free & clear. If you have kids, give them my lesson here: try hard to save. If I were to need long-term care, what I have would last about 2 years. After that I'd best pray for a peaceful end. So yes, no vacations or extravagant expenditures. Some would ask, why not sell the house? And do what?! Go where?! Where would it be any different?! I've crunched the numbers. The cost to move is astronomical, not to mention complicating and confusing. The only possibility is to downsize right where I am. What would I lose? A helluva view, and memories, which are two of my main reasons for staying. And the fact that I'm stuck.
So, what's changed since my last blog with similar sentiments? My left brain is beginning to break through, telling me that views and memories aside, the smart thing to do is let it go. I can't continue to wander aimlessly and rot away. Things are just things, and houses are just walls. And I'm not getting any younger.
3 comments:
I wish we lived where we could talk. I started reading your blog when my late husband died in 2011 after 52 yrs. of marriage. I remarried in 2014 to a man who knew him from the first grade! His wife died of Alzheimer's after 40 yrs. of marriage. We all knew each other and both of us have grown children. For three yrs. I lived in Galveston and lost everything in Hurricane Ike. It is all just "stuff" and starting over is not hard (although you do miss lost photos). Maybe there is a photography group you could meet with, or a book club, or a senior fitness group, or a church group! Your blog was sad to me. Be glad you have your health and siblings! Ben is NOT in the lake!
Marlene (Age 75) from Louisiana
I recall a previous comment from you telling me of your losses. But you've overcome, and I admire that! I did allude to the fact in my post that things are just things. Those aren't what bother me. What's happening is that I'm getting to the point where I'm angry at allowing myself to remain "stuck". My house is my ace in the hole and I promised Ben that I would leave it to his kids. I'm finally getting to the point where I need to let it go, so I'm mainly just venting on my blog, hoping that will open the flood gate to freedom. If I'm nothing else, I am a survivor. I know I've been through a lot, and will get through the rest of it. I have taken part in different groups (activities), but that's not really my problem. I'm good at entertaining myself. But, again, that's not my goal. And yes, I have my health...to a degree. I have some major issues looming, but I'm ignoring them for now. My siblings, with the exception of one, apparently don't see the value in staying in touch as I do. I'm always the one reaching out. As for Ben in the lake, his ashes are, but I know he's everywhere! Thanks for sticking with me, Marlene. I too wish we could chat. If you're ever in my neighborhood (Prescott, AZ.), let me know. Don't worry about me ... like I said, I'm just getting to the point where I need to DO something about my situation. I was always so adventurous and athletic, so it's hard for me to just "take it sitting down". :)
Thanks for your comments, Kathy! I wish you much happiness. I kinda like to "vent" also!
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