And so it goes ...

I need a fat dose of WILLPOWER! I contemplate day after day the things I should be doing, but do little to move forward. So perhaps a little confession will do the soul some good.

As a former friend and neighbor undergoes Hospice after a 21 year battle with cancer, you'd think I would be more proactive for myself. I don't know what it would take to get me to get to that point, but it's time.

Many don't know that I've been a smoker for 50 years. I'm not public about it. I have been lucky ... until recently. A CT chest scan revealed a hint of emphysema. Have I quit yet? I guess it would take more than a hint. I do a lot of self-talk every single day, telling myself I deserve better. Living alone doesn't help. 

Many have no idea how difficult it is to stop this habit. It's worse than cocaine or heroin. I took the "stop smoking" class at the hospital, and I attended an informational seminar about hypnotism, all to no avail. Oddly enough, I was the only one who went to every class and was the only one to show up at the last session, indicating that I know what I have to do. There's one key ingredient missing ... you really have to WANT to quit. Knowing you need to is not enough. I learned that it's not so much the nicotine that I'm addicted to as it is the process, the triggers. And no ... gum, patches, etc., won't work with a person like me. It's got to be extreme desire and cold turkey. I can go hours without even thinking about having a cigarette, but the thought of not having them available is scary. But so is the alternative. 

It also does no good to have people say, "You can do this!", or "do this", or "do that". Don't even go there. I'm the only one who can push me, and I've at least come this far. So onward.

Other than not quite having the physical stamina I once had, health-wise I'm so much luckier than many others. But I'm not good about being good to myself. I eat fairly well, take short hikes, and kayak when I can, but I know it's not enough. On the plus side, I'm having my first colonoscopy soon. Not thrilled about it, but it's overdue. 

And so it goes that I keep thinking about those whose lives are about to end, and here I am shortening my own. ➽  Stupid is as stupid does. 🙏