Those "Terms of Endearment" and other thoughts ~

*Sigh* . . .

I'm in "retro mode" again, but it's partly due to a current forward motion, which I may or may not explain further on down the road. 


Sometimes, when I'm standing on my back deck at night, my most vivid thoughts come out to play with my mind. I guess I was looking at the spot at the bottom of the stairs where Ben lost his footing (due to peripheral neuropathy caused by chemo). I saw it coming, but I couldn't stop it, even though I was right behind him. Slow motion. And I replay it frequently. But the thing that gets me the most is my "term of endearment". I've never been one to use those . . . sweety, love, darlin', or honey. But I felt SO badly about his fall that the first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry . . .". Later, when I got him back upstairs, he was sitting there smiling, so I asked what he was thinking. He said, "The best thing about that fall was that you called me 'honey' ". He was always pretty free with the T of E, but I never was. I had no idea that it meant that much to him. Another regret. But I told him that he had to know that I felt those words. Yes, but it's nice to hear them. I was good about saying "I love you", but it must not be enough for some. Lesson learned, 30 years too late. 

As I ponder these things, I undergo huge transformations, being sorry of course, that I'm sometimes such a slow learner. 


Another thing that comes to mind on that back deck is all of the things Ben did that I didn't express enough appreciation for. I thought it, but didn't say it enough. I may have mentioned some of this in previous posts, but I'm going to say it again . . . EXPRESS APPRECIATION before the time comes that you never have the chance again. After the tedious work that I did on the lower deck, I thought to myself, 'Aha, who's going to tell you "good job, Kathy"? Well, I guess it doesn't matter. The job is done and it was a labor of love. And I feel good. That's what matters. To the man or woman in your lives, tell them "good job!". Amazingly easy.

I will slowly, but surely, work my way through all of the little regrets as they come to the surface. If I didn't have any, I wouldn't be human. But second chances are God's blessing, so I will try hard not to have any more obvious regrets.