Are you okay? I'm okay!

Remember that book with a title something like that? The reason I thought of it is because people still ask me after 2 + years if I'm "doing okay", like the neighbor over the fence yesterday whom I hadn't seen in some time. So in this edition of "Grace" I will be honest . . .

I'm okay when I'm totally cognizant that, if I'm NOT okay, I will sink. I sometimes have to force myself to be okay. You ask why, in what way. Here's why: I know myself well enough to know that, if I don't have a purpose, even if it's just to do the laundry, I will mope:  intr.v. moped, mop·ing, mopes. 1. a. To be gloomy or dejected. b. To brood or sulk.  2. To move in a leisurely or aimless manner; dawdle. Moping is not good, and it's definitely out of character for me. But it happens. And it happens with everyone at one time or another. I'm an "up" person for the most part, and I know that's what's getting me through the two huge losses in my life. 

This need to avoid "moping" has a backlash . . . it causes me to forget to just "be", enjoy my downtime, take advantage of my space, spend time with myself, do things I've only talked about. So this blog is cathartic for me (and I hope for others). I've never been one to bare my feelings so openly, but it's an anti-mope thing to do. I'm probably still holding things back, but, be honest - don't you all!

One of the places where I'm NOT okay is when I go to the garage, or the shop downstairs. I look at all the years of accumulation and my shoulders sink 3 inches. When the house is cluttered, so is the mind. I cannot accomplish the purge all by myself. It's not humanly possible. So I just look at it and shake my head. I make up for it by keeping up the maintenance on the house. But there will come a day when that's not financially possible. Right now, life is pretty good, so I will put that thought on the back burner. I'm not getting any younger, however, and I don't want to leave it for others to worry about.


In regard to that "up" person I profess to be . . . I know I'm not "social" enough. One can be sociable, but not social. Make sense? Look it up in your Webster's. There's a slight difference. I see people in my boat who have worked their way to a new career, which I'm not into at this stage, and people who've become "lucky in love", or those who have woven a way of happily keeping busy (keyword: happily), and having a close family. Comparatively speaking, I'm dead in the water. I need to take up Yoga and/or meditation. But then there's this thing called attention span.

I'm reading a book called "Angel On Board - Guardian Angel 101", and it's difficult for me to wrap my mind around. For me, it just doesn't add up. You can probably go to Amazon.com, or Google, and get the gist of it. But I'm thinking that the only one looking out for me in reality, is me. That's why I have to be "okay". And once you've been a "caregiver", it never leaves you. I just need to put that into practice on myself!

So yes, for the most part, I'm as "okay" as I can be. The more I learn how to help others to be okay, the more okay I'll be.