Daydreams on that deck . . .

Or . . . looping my way to getting the groove back. I referred to that deck before, and it really does cause inspiration! Thoughts that pass through on their way to who knows where. This time I was cogitating on what has transpired over the 2 years 4.5 months since I lost Ben, and 2 years 3.5 months since my mom passed away. That's heavy stuff, but not necessarily depressing. Taking stock of my personal surroundings (including the tangible and intangible), seeing where I've been and where I'm going, is a happy thing, and gets me back into that "groove" (and by that I don't mean "rut".)

Part of that stock-taking includes the simplest things . . . looking at a Forsythia bush I planted and noting that it's actually growing. I did that! Or seeing that my pink poppies have come back to life when I thought I killed them off! Planning my Saturday, which will include sealing that deck I worked so hard on. That comes from learning that I never do something half way. For that I thank Ben's attention to detail when it came to the house and yard. I sit in different spots in the house, or in the front or back yards, and get an entirely new perspective. They're each their own little world. I look with wonder at how huge my maple tree has grown, which leads me to disbelief that I've lived in this wonderful place for 14 years! I love the sound of the waterfall in the little pond that Ben put in. I just drained and cleaned it with the help of my friend Bob, and all is well. I don't want to think about how much longer it will last. I just think that it will. The fountain in the front yard no longer works. It was a birthday gift from Ben, and I wish I could find someone who could fix it. Birds still come to it and look as if they're thinking, "where did it go?" I recall how we acquired the boulder in the front yard, and how it landed when they rolled it off the trailer. It's a natural seat! I plant a purple fountain grass by the drive every year. Something Ben started because he knew I liked it. Birds and lizards have spread the word that my back yard is the place to be for food and water. My little pet cemetery under the deck reminds me of happier times when those 3 cats and one sweet dog gave us many laughs. But I also recall the tears as they left us one by one. Each visual is a reminder of what was and what can be. It all keeps me grounded.

My beloved pond when Ben was the gardener

 My big boulder

 The now defunct fountain

 Very entertaining little creatures

My annual purple fountain grass

Reviewing and reflecting are rather typical when you've lost someone close who was good at validating your thoughts. You finally reconcile that they're no longer around to do that. You're still the same person, but you've lost those outside influences that kept you anchored. You find yourself struggling with an identity crisis of sorts. But over these past 2+ years, I've managed to remain true to myself for the most part, and have come to understand that I don't need to be validated. When I notice that I'm following someone else's dreams rather than my own, I love to shift gears and call a "time out". Many can't do that. Rather than sitting quietly in a corner, my time outs include the kayak, doing something for someone, grabbing the camera, walking with the iPod cranked, or doing a chore I've neglected. Any of those serve to remind me of who I am and where I want to go. Right now (recall that Now Is Forever) is the time in my life when I have that "window of opportunity" to be the best that I can be, and I do not want to mess it up.

Staying in that proverbial "groove" does not mean that I can't think outside the box. I've always been an outside-the-box thinker. (And I always colored outside the lines!) But each and every one of us tends to slip into someone else's vision of us at times. I went through a lot to get to my current mindset of peace and tranquility, so all I ask of myself is that I take the best of what I assimilated from Ben, mom, and others, and make it work with who I am. Sympatico!