"That's just the way I am . . . just accept it"

(Just some observations of human interaction from the bleachers)

Ever heard that? Ever said it? Bought into it? Shame on you! This post has a little something to do with "Today's Woman (or man)" and the aforementioned validation word. After you read this, I would REALLY like to hear of your own thoughts and experiences via email, or just check your reaction at the end. This subject is very near and dear to me, partly because I was given one of those "strong personalities" with a dose of independence, and I'm currently battling a demon. :) I am not a "women's libber" (how old is that phrase?), nor do I have an ax to grind. And let me preface this whole thought process with the fact that I know there are men who also deal with a 'controlling' partner, so flip this any way you wish.

But first, I need to define a word important to this subject:

Autonomy - adj.  Self-governing, free to choose and act.

Ominous, huh!

Here's what I admire . . . couples who respect and are proud of one another's autonomy. There is no struggle for power, just an easy flow like a lazy river. I had one of these partnerships, and many of you reading this do as well. There is no putting each other into a box as in "I'm the man in this relationship", as if that's the final word and woman will obey. He can question, but she can't. That may have been true somewhere back in time. But it's come to pass that women are equal. Remember that? However, some men haven't picked up on it. They're the ones, when questioned about why they did or didn't do or say something, will give you that stock answer: That's just the way I am. Accept it. No, not good enough. To me that phrase says, "I'm not willing to grow or risk, I'm not responsible for my behavior, so I'm going to stay in my past". Well, that past was obviously not pleasant, and was perhaps ruled by a father (or mother) of the same type. So, lets say there are two kinds of partnerships - the "is" and the "isn't", as in there IS a partnership and there ISN'T. No gray areas. Let me mention doormats . . . you aren't one.

Here's another cuss word: Subservient

Archaic, huh!

Women are typically the "pleasers", many times in a subservient way. And sometimes, it's taken for granted by the "man" in the partnership. He just assumes that's the way it's to be. The man in the "IS" partnership says 'thank you'. The man in the ISN'T relationship probably doesn't even grunt, and the woman doesn't realize that that isn't okay. Are there still men like this out there? My point here? Never assume, or take anything for granted in your relationship. And, if you're thinking something kind, then say it now, while you can.

This brings me to that validation word . . .

No one needs a person to assure them in a condescending way that they're good, or that they did something right. No groveling. You know in your own heart that you're "good", that you're capable, and that, if necessary, you can do things on your own. In the IS relationship, you know without doubt that your partner approves of the way you are without their even saying anything. BUT . . . it's kind and thoughtful to give positive reinforcement, to let the other know they're admired, cherished, loved and adored. But you shouldn't have to ask. Let me repeat . . . you shouldn't have to ask. If you do, you're getting into that subservient, validation area, and you need to get out now! No one is the boss of you except you and your God, and not necessarily in that order!

Now, please don't let me see your profile on Match.com saying "Subservient woman looking for validation". Garp. Ugh. Gurgle. And please register your reaction below. Don't worry, I can't tell who you are! I don't offer one for "Upsetting", so you can tell me that by email. :)

Movin' on . . .