e-nig-ma n. something or someone not easily explained or understood.
I'm thinking of myself this way more and more. Are you seeing the difference between the definition and the first line in this blog? Yup, it's what I deal with every day. Do you or don't you, will you or won't you. It's a beautiful 60° day, so why am I not on the lake floating in my kayak? I surmise it's because I feel more driven to sit here and figure myself out without self-destructing. I could probably do that much better out in the 'yak. On the other hand, I'm free to be me, so why do I even think about it. Because, I've always been a dreamer, a di-sec-tor (is that a word?). Maybe analytical is a better choice. Those attributes might not be conducive to any kind of long-term, reciprocal commitment (too busy second-guessing myself) but I doubt I'll ever lose them. Does anyone understand one word I've written?!
I think this all began on Dec. 18, 2009. I'm coming up on one year without Ben, and the night I lost him I lost a big part of myself. But I gained a whole new insight, resulting in new parts. I'm going to say that enigma is the sorting out of those new parts. This is not at all a bad thing. It keeps me on the right track, hopefully the track to my reawakening, knowing without a doubt what I want from the rest of my life.
One of the things I'm working on is getting to the deep, undying faith that Ben had. He knew, yes really KNEW, where he was going and he was on such a mission those last few days. I wish I had understood it then as I'm beginning to now. I'm still dealing with doubt, but I'm praying for divine intervention on this one. I know that thunder isn't going to roll and lightning isn't going to strike, but give me a break -- I'm a "show me" kind of person! I also know that, if I'm ever to be reunited with Ben, I need to get my act together. And that needs to come from within. Thankfully I'm surrounded by good influences. Good luck to Pastor Irvin in helping me. I'm a challenge.
This need to find Kathy in the great beyond is high on my "Bucket List", which, by the way, will be the title of an upcoming blog.
I can hear the thunder!
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