Seems like only yesterday . . .

In the words of Karen Carpenter ~ "After long enough of being alone everyone must face their share of loneliness. In my own time nobody knew the pain I was going through, and waiting was all my heart could do . . . You were the dawn breaking the night, the promise of morning light, filling the world surrounding me . . . only yesterday . . .".


Today, Dec. 8, is the day Ben began Hospice care one year ago. Ten days later, he was gone. Odd that I didn't think about this date until 9pm tonight, one year later. I've been thinking more about December 18, 2009. I knew that the one year mark would be the toughest part. And yes, my face is wet, but strangely, I'm feeling closer to Ben as that date draws near. I know that I will return to the place where I lost him that night (the V.A.). I feel a strong compulsion to be there.  It's not for me to question why, I'll just do it. Something glued us together for 30 years, through good times and bad, and I welcome any comfort through that loss. Sure, there are the memories, but the actual warmth of touch is missing, planning things together is missing, his physical presence is missing, his voice is missing, and the only way I know to remember that is to let the waves wash over me. I look at the spot where his hospice bed was in the living room, and I wish with everything I've got that he was there for me to care for again, to say some things that maybe I forgot, to hold his hand and stroke his cheek, to talk to him about where he was going, because he was so SURE of his destiny, and I'm feeling some big time emptiness. But I told him I'd be okay, and I am. I just still have some road to travel in getting there.

   I believe that when someone dies, you don't get over it by forgetting; you get over it by remembering. And I remember him with all my heart. It really does seem like only yesterday.


Click here for a wonderful song . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcr_15WmBn0&feature=related