Divergent Pathways . . .

Or . . . marching to the beat of different drummers ~

The introspection is manifesting itself yet again. I guess it's my way of meditating, but I love the way thoughts float apart and come together, only to part again and crisscross along the way like little psychedelic rainbows. This time the thread concerns how we get where we are, and where we're going from here.

My oldest brother has Parkinson's Disease. Why don't I? That's a question that will likely never be answered, or at least not fully. A few years ago I took part in a "Sib's Study" for him through the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Mn. Sadly, I've never heard the results. They would call me and ask a series of strangely inane questions, or they'd have me Fed Ex a blood sample. I think I deserve to know what they learned, yes?!! Well, maybe not. Perhaps it's best to remain ignorant. I choose not to know what is stirring up inside. My brother has advanced into many of the Parkinson's symptoms, such as a very stooped posture, personality changes, tremor, falling down, and so on. Yet he still lives alone and, until recently, was driving. My Dr. nephew described his father's current state very succinctly after spending several hours with him over Thanksgiving: 

"Through it all he is still quite competent. He's mentally sharp and oriented. He knows what he wants, and what he wants comes first. I understand now that he has reasonably good control of his situation and, to a degree, he chooses to live the way he does. I have enough psych background to understand his overlays run deep, are rooted, and are well beyond my analysis."

The other three of my "sibs" are humming along in normal healthy ways. But I'm sure, like me, they have their little issues. This is how I handle mine: I ignore them. If I wait long enough, they just go away. The body takes care of itself. I'm sure I would feel differently if knew I had a potentially major illness in the offing, but right now I feel pretty danged good.

Much of this is related to attitude. I have my moments where I feel a bit overwhelmed, but not often. When I do, I take a "time out". Sort of like a mom sitting the naughty child in a corner facing the wall. But mine consists of just plain "Kathy time" . . . reading, kayaking, taking pictures, taking care of undone chores inside or out, or  just watching those little psychedelic thought rainbows . . . alone. I'm a HUGE believer in mind over matter. Like the man said, "If you don't mind, it doesn't matter". So true. 

I don't know that I'd have chosen most of the path I took. I didn't make it easy for myself, but being the person I am, I always seem to land on my feet. I would not change the era I was brought up in (as I said in an earlier post), but I wish it hadn't been a time when things were so cut and dried where women were concerned. If you weren't married by the time you were 22, something was wrong; girls only went to college for their MRS degree; girls didn't play drums; didn't drive trucks; didn't shoot guns, etc., etc. Well, I'm making up for lost time in some areas! Yes, I was a tomboy, and I wouldn't change that for the world. It builds character. Besides, being raised with two older brothers brings out the defense mechanisms. ;-)

I have lost track of people that I didn't want to lose track of. I wonder about them . . . how they're doing, what they're doing, and if they're even still there. We all do that. But that's where those paths lead us. People come into our lives, and people leave. There's not too much of that we can control. And control is an enigma. How much control do I want, and over what? Maybe one thing . . . the path that Ben took.

In the present, I am still a peaceful and content person, especially when I'm getting done what I know I need to do, even if that means taking a moment to just sit. Where my path goes from here I know not. Again, I choose not to know. I will just continue to do what feels right . . . for others and for myself, and that includes believing myself when I tell that self that I'm still young. Getting older and watching the second hand isn't for wimps. I'm on perpetual daylight savings time. 

And getting better!