In retrospect . . .

. . . reviewing the past from a new perspective. Powerful, powerful stuff, especially coming from life-altering circumstances; be that the death of someone close, a near-death experience, or just from realizing you've been on the wrong path all along. Introspection has been the thing that keeps me going and growing. I may not like some of it, but mostly its been exhilarating. As I let the puzzle progress, it's leading me to a person, perhaps my alter ego, who's teaching me many things. I worried about my "alone time", that it wouldn't be good for me, but it's quite the opposite . . . this is when I learn the most. Why? Because I depend on my "self" to lead me where I haven't been.


I'd been thinking about this since Dec. 18, 2009, but something my dad said prompted me to write about it. He said, "I'm getting so mushy in my old age. The littlest things can make me tear up." I can totally relate. But I don't think it's old age. I think it's losing the two people that meant the most to each of us. 


Losses, things that can never be retrieved, put things into perspective in a way that nothing else can. I don't know about dad, but its caused tremendous and powerful (I love that word) changes in the most minor things that I think, say, and do. It's like magnifying something in a major way, changing black and white to Technicolor, like fire in the heart. I give more to a task that has to be done; I care more about people who weren't previously that important to me; I'm more driven to "gitter done"; I've become more of a hugger; I no longer just 'think' about telling someone what I feel, I 'do' it; I give my love more openly and more sincerely, albeit cautiously; and the smallest things mean the world to me. 


I don't know if I'm getting anywhere near explaining the transitions occurring within, but if this is the way God meant for me to survive my losses, then bring it on . . . 

I'm definitely paying attention.

One of my favorite sunsets of Granite Mountain