Imagination? Or reality?

Perhaps this is simply the way I would LIKE to imagine it. We've all lost someone close, and some who were extremely close, so you know where I'm going with this. If you don't, then use this as a guide for living the rest of  your life. I will do anything to help people avoid the SCW's (shoulda, coulda, woulda's). It's only been one year, 4 months, and two weeks since I said good-bye to Ben; and one year, 3 months, and two weeks since my mom left life as we know it here on Earth. So, every now and then, thoughts or ideas pop into my inner sanctum which I feel compelled to share. You can read them or not, but they're here for you when you're ready. Hang on because I've been told that I have a wild imagination. But I sometimes wonder if this is imagination, or am I really able to rewrite history by radically changing the course of my own life on Earth. So take a seat and see what you think. I'm, again, baring my soul on a blog . . .

Given that I have an inordinate amount of time alone, my imagination is triggered by the simplest things and, like everyone, I have silent conversations with those who have passed. No, I'm not a freak. I believe it's more a matter of wanting to "right" things. I feel that, if I repeat something enough, it will change the outcome. Sometimes it causes me to be bothered about the direction I'm taking in my own life. I've also been accused of "thinking" too much, but I don't believe one can do that. It's better than accepting less than one deserves. So "think" I shall!

My upper deck seems to be my "upper room". I have my most poignant thoughts there, perhaps because I'm looking down on an area that Ben worked so hard on, and an area that I'm trying hard to keep that way. A place of rejuvenation. My tall, purple bearded iris are blooming like crazy, and I really wonder if he sees that. I'm the one who thinned and replanted them in '07 and I want someone to be amazed (besides myself!). His little rose bushes are flourishing from my pruning, and the cactus are gifting me with their flowers . . . diamonds in the rough! The pond is going strong, the pink poppies are a wonder, and all of the birds, rabbits, squirrels, and lizards entertain me. My physical world is good. And it's the stopping off spot for creature sustenance.

The inside world is another story. I look at my clothes hamper and think about how long it's been since it was full, and how my washing machine and dryer are getting a rest because there's only one of me. I look at the honker king-sized bed and the unused pillow on one side; the electric grill that sees little use because I eat simply; the shelf full of books that two people used to read; the nice TV (a gift to Ben from his kids on his 75th) that's seldom turned on; tools in his shop that I need to learn about; all of the "stuff" that I need to purge. But, in spite of it all, I'm happy and content. 

What am I missing . . . someone who shares the same thoughts that I do about things. Someone who truly values my company, and whose company I value equally. One can only realize that from someone you spent many years with. It takes that long to assimilate common interests, and to realize "unconditional love" and admiration. In that I have been blessed. 

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Another thing to ponder is being too strong. I only have one short life in the scheme of things, and I wish I'd learned earlier to be a more open and sharing person. But I think I was afraid of something . . . not getting an equal share of what I was willing to give perhaps. In retrospect that's stupid. But it's also stupid to look back and think you can "fix" that. What needs to be done is to fix it going forward. And I'm trying hard to do that now.

"What we call the beginning is often the end. 

To make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from."

-- T.S. Eliot

I sometimes perch on my boulder in the front yard, looking at this house, thinking of all the history that went on within and without. Ghost-like figures and words moving about as in time-lapse photography. Heavy. I think about what a neat place it is and how I want to share that with more people. So why don't I? I'm not sure, but I think, after reading back through this, that I'm shy. For those who know me, that will bring a chuckle because, yes, I'm very outgoing and love learning about people. But to attract them to my world is hard for me. I just need to remember the words of the Gospel of St. Thomas . . . 

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you".

Think about someday being alone, and what you would do differently right now . . .