Simply pondering . . .

Does one go or stay? Given the same circumstances that millions of people have experienced - the loss of someone you considered your life-long partner - you will ask yourself the same question. I often find myself pondering what ties me to Prescott, and it's a tangled web. I think to myself, if the housing market ever comes back up, should I sell this house that spawned so much history for Ben and me? I'm comfortable in it. It doesn't scare me to take care of it. There are no "ghosts". And it's a place that we both agreed on. It's the home we lived in the longest. 

There is so much of Ben in Prescott. He had more friends here, good friends, and they're mine now. Or I'm theirs! His mark is on so many things . . . his hard work is all over this yard and in the house, he put together the benches on the path in our neighborhood, fixed and painted the little picnic ramadas, and was the president of the homeowners association for a time. His fingerprints are all over the Prescott Citizen's On Patrol. His footprints are on many area trails. And his spirit will always remain in the Prescott First Church of the Nazarene. A good church friend of his told me today that he can't wait to see Ben again! And I've heard that from others, or that they just plain miss him. What does that say about Ben? It tells me that he had a kind and gentle soul, and I miss that. What a tribute to not be forgotten.

Prescott C.O.P. Sgt.

Some of Ben's work in our neighborhood

My pondering begs the question, just exactly where is home? We spent much of our lives in a beautiful lake area in the northwest corner of Iowa called "Okoboji". We both still have family and friends there. Ben's mark is also on so many things back there. He was the City Administrator for the town of Okoboji for many years, and there are still several Walleye that he didn't catch during all the fishing he did, but I suspect he's working on it now!  It's just not enough to draw me back to cold and snowy winters, even though it's where I was born and raised. 

He's a happy man!

The "University" is just a concept, but Okoboji is a real place

So, how do I answer my original question? When I think of ever leaving Prescott (or Arizona), a kind of sadness comes over me. I feel like so much of my life has been formed and cemented here. Plus, they say "you can never go back". I'm a firm believer in that. Things are never the same as when you left them. You need to swallow the stuff life hands you and get on with the deciding of what's best. I'm a people person and I know that I need to be sharing whatever assets I have. I need to bury myself in something that will move me in the right direction. Whether I stay in this house or not, Prescott is home. I just need to solidify that revelation. 

With that said, I've made a decision. The Prescott Veterans Administration needs hospice volunteers to ensure that no veteran dies alone. I was doing that on my own because I've never been happy with structure, but I feel right about going through their training and becoming "legally" involved in helping others through their "journey". I still need a part time job for income, but this commitment is where I'll find my own kind and gentle soul. It's in there. I just need to let it out.

Prescott V.A. Hospice wing

When it's all said and done, it isn't about a comfort zone. It's about finding out who you are by going outside of your box. Then, and only then, you'll find out where you belong. I feel it.