Living with PURPOSE!

This is kind of a continuation of the last blog, but with a twist . . . delving a little deeper into what motivates a survivor, and what doesn't. And, having just dodged the cancer bullet myself, I can attest to the fact that many "what if's, and's, and but's" circulate, barely avoiding worry wort status. I knew it was benign . . . "Believe" and it shall be!


PUR-pose n. 1. The reason for which something exists, is done, or has been made. 2. The desired effect of something. 3. Determination.


One thing I know without doubt that drives 'purpose' is stress. I had my share of that for awhile, but I learned that I'm one of the lucky ones who can thrive in spite of it. And stress isn't all bad. It can be the force that gets you where you should be. To my mind, there's purposeful stress and there's worry wort stress. The latter is a useless and unproductive waste of time. My stress consisted mainly of the former . . . it fires up the metabolism, thereby gifting me with a needed weight loss and, since it was a long-term loss, I've maintained a healthy weight. But what a hellish way to lose it . . . a focused determination to help someone (Ben) maintain a decent quality of life in spite of an inevitable end. I was driven.

Firm Determination!

But now, I'm no longer 'driven' in quite the same way. I do have purpose, but not the kind that makes one feel ALIVE. It's become more of a 'survival' purpose, a shift to merely pushing myself to be well and happy. It goes from being all things to all people, to focusing on oneself just to "stay ahead of the game". Don't get me wrong . . . I have those things that make me feel *alive* . . . like breathing, being near water, capturing images on my Canon, reading my books, eating dark chocolate, spending time with or near people, gazing at the amazing surroundings I live in . . . things like that. But something is missing . . . #1 from above . . . part of my "reason for existing". It isn't easy to go from intense caregiving to suddenly not. You lose your focus for a time . . . your "purpose".

It isn't easy to put that aside. Ask anyone who has been there. But the difference in some from others is #2 from above . . . desire. Desire to forge on, discover what lies ahead, leaving the negatives behind. Sometimes it's an effort, but I have good energy. I just need to keep pushing myself to use it. I sit more than I used to, and I can tell. The weight doesn't change, but it shifts just as purpose does. When I feel myself letting things go, I revert to being a list-maker. Checking things off gives me purpose and determination.


I sat tonight with another veteran who is "actively" dying, and it brought to mind the night I sat holding Ben's hand in another room across the hall. If I shut my eyes, it took me back to that night . . . a different year, a different man, and a different room . . . but yet all the same. It yanks me back to reality, the sum total of what got me to where I am today and, so help me God, I do not want to take one minute of it for granted. So yes, I will not forget to live with purpose. I want the person who sits and holds my hand to know that there's more lying there than just someone who is about to exit this Earth. And I want them to learn from it; to know that their time on this planet counts, and to make the best use of it that they can. Remember: "To the world you may be someone, but to someone you may be the world."

I still have my peace and contentment, so my point to all of this is? I'll know more as time goes on . . .